It was Oscar Wilde who said, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery that mediocrity can pay to greatness.”

So, with imitation in mind, let’s compare vegetable-based patties (VBP) vs 100% 80/20 raw ground beef (RGB) patties — in a food safety tale of the tape akin to Ali vs. Frazier.

First up, in the green corner, we have the 100% recyclable green packaged and burgeoning RGB challenger, VBP, the Smokin’ Joe Frazier of this bout.

To throw the first jab, the governing agency is FDA, which conducts plant inspections at a frequency of maybe every two to three years (if not, more), raising the likelihood of a food safety breach. Some people are eating VBPs raw, even though there are cooking and safe handling instructions. VBP’s safety net is salt content and freezing right after production.

And then, another knock, we have VBP’s almost unending list of ingredients. I count at least 15 of them (including water), but there are two particularly suspicious ones. One is soy leghemoglobin, a.k.a. heme, a color additive which a federal court upheld as safe despite questions about the veracity of FDA’s approval process. The other is cultured dextrose, a preservative that is not yet approved by FDA’s Generally Recognized as Safe (GRAS) program.

Another weak spot for VBPs, within the arena of FDA hazard analysis, is the allowance of allergens, as well as pesticides under what I would call draconian standards of the Food Quality Protection Act.

Where VBPs could have an edge is in the ability to use irradiated spices, as FDA does not require Radura labeling when those spices are mixed. Irradiation treatment on RGB, for example, has proven to kill almost 100% of pathogens, but it would require a Radura label that makes consumers queasy.

RGB

And now, in the red corner … weighing in at a (non-radiated) quarter pound, with an 80/20 lean-to-fat ratio, we have the reigning champ, RGB, our Muhammad Ali!

Here, the referees are USDA and AMS, which is home of the National School Lunch Program — the King Midas of safe RGB.

Unlike its opponent, RGB has just one ingredient — 100% Beef. That can include USDA-approved beef by-products, like lean finely textured beef (LFTB), beef hearts, head/cheek meat, trim and so forth.

Among the advantages of USDA’s hazard analysis program for RGB is that, unlike VBPs, it doesn’t allow or pose an allergenic danger (unless someone suffers from alpha-gal syndrome, a red meat allergy developed after a tick bite).

By my scorecard, imitation by VBP is indeed the sincerest form of flattery to 100% RGB patties, which indelibly evinces that mediocrity cannot owe up to the out-and-out greatness of a Muhammed Ali.

Excuse me while I knock out my meaty, tasty and nutritious All-Olympic Gold Medal-Winning (cooked internally to 160°) RGB with a Dr. Pepper on the rocks, an unbeatable carbonated Sugar Ray Robinson punch if there ever was one.

Got stabilizers, binders highlighted by natural coloring, cultured dextrose, mixed tocopherols and modified starches? Got heme, too?

No, thanks.

GOT BEEF?

Got mayo and mustard off the all-beef Dodger hot dogs, too? Chili, catsup and relish-ing Yankee baseball? Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio? Our nation turns its insatiable eyes towards beef.

It’s what’s gonna be on USA’s Memorial Day barbecue grills — still.

Let’s get ready to rumble! FDA plant-based patties vs USDA beef patties

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