It’s Saturday and I spent the morning planning out meals and snacks for the family for another busy week. I’ve written out my shopping list in order based on the way I walk through the aisles of my store, which never varies. First, greens on the left. Second, tomatoes which are on the right and garlic that’s right above them in the basket. Next, I turn right and head over to the citrus for clementines and a lemon for the Greek dish I’m making on Thursday. You get the idea. By the time I reach the dairy aisle for my yogurt, I realize that I didn’t pick up the asparagus for the grill on Tuesday — somehow, I didn’t write it down.

I completely freeze. Now I need to doublecheck my list and make sure I didn’t forget anything else in another aisle that might disrupt my shopping strategy. Immediately my mind starts racing and pointing out other things I may have forgotten. Did I reply to that email on Tuesday? Did I forget someone’s anniversary? Do we have plans tomorrow? Did I RSVP to that birthday party? And there I stand, sweating, heart pounding, panicked and frantically looking through my phone to answer all of the questions my brain is coming up with. The thoughts come so quickly that it feels like everything around me has suddenly become incredibly loud but indiscernible at the same time.

But it’s not loud. To everyone else at the grocery store, I appear to be a regular person standing in the dairy aisle for a moment and looking at her phone. I’m silent and for the most part, so is the dairy aisle. They cannot tell that on the inside, I am screaming and want to sprint to my car and abandon the trip altogether. Instead, I make a few edits to my list, take some deep breaths, and keep walking while the internal noise continues. I do this because the groceries need to be purchased, my family needs to be fed, and I need to get it done. Sprinting isn’t an option.

You might think that I just don’t like shopping. But actually, I love it. This is what it is like for me when I experience heightened anxiety, which happens every single day without warning regardless of the activity. But one of the worst times for this type of flare up is while I am working. 72 emails sitting in my inbox, LinkedIn notifications, Teams messages stacking up from 10 different people who need 10 different things as soon as possible, phone ringing, you get the idea. And on a good day, I handle every single one of these things like a champ.

I hit my goals, I lead a team, make decisions, get it all done and do it well. On the outside, I am confident, funny, driven and successful in my pursuits. And a lot of the time, that is entirely true. But sometimes, work feels like hours of standing in front of that yogurt, absolutely freaking out on the inside without tipping my hand to those who walk by. But this past year has taught me a lot not only about myself, but about the people around me. The other people in the aisle are going through their own stuff, silently.

Being raised by a man who super-glued his wounds shut in the shed and told me to “walk it off” when I broke a toe, it’s never been easy to be vulnerable. But in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, that is exactly what I am going to do here, with all of you. Deep breaths. I suffer from severe anxiety. Therapy and medication help. But still, I struggle. But do you know what I discovered this year that has changed my life? Saying it. Saying to my family, my colleagues — my boss even — “I’m feeling very anxious at the moment, can you help me sort some things out?” Imagine that.

Here’s the crazy thing: They always say 'yes.' And the next time there is too much on their plate or they are feeling down, overwhelmed, anxious or exhausted, they lean on me. And it’s amazing for productivity, camaraderie and mental health for everyone who can admit that they are simply not okay every single day.

Authenticity and leadership should always go together, for many reasons. But what I have learned through a pandemic and the most gut-wrenching, chaotic year of my life is that authenticity should carry over to humanity and vulnerability. We should just be human. It lets other people know it’s okay to be human right along with us. It prevents burnout and sick days. It alerts you when your team is overloaded and exhausted. It makes people feel safe at work and it retains top talent.

Have you ever felt guilt about calling in sick because the work needs to be done? Have you ever been so overwhelmed but afraid to ask for help? Have you ever been so absolutely drained that you simply cannot meet that deadline? Are you concerned that others might think less of you? Me, too. But it’s time to start talking about it. It is Mental Health Awareness month in the year 2021 and if you are reading this, you have survived a pandemic, polarizing political climate, isolation, home-school, loss, grief, unemployment, or any other number of traumatic circumstances that were out of your control. And it’s okay not to be okay. Most of us aren’t, at least not all the time.

If you or someone you know are struggling with mental health, there are great resources out there to help you get started on a path to coping and wellness. The CDC does a great job of putting all of these resources in one place so that you can choose what works for you. You’ll find a link to that list at the end of this blog, and I hope you’ll use it. But in the meantime, if you are suffering, or you see someone suffering, don’t stay silent. Crack open that communication toolbox and roll up your sleeves. There is work to be done, and it shouldn’t be done alone.

Hey, it’s me. Anxiety.

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